10 Ways to Lessen Heartache…

10 Ways to Lessen Heartache

Hello everyone, I’m Kelly, proud father, bartender of 16 years and the owner of www.askkellyforadvice.com. Throughout my bartending years, I have given so many advice about love, dating and about relationships (actually, this is the majority of the Advice that I do give). With these advice’s, I do know firsthand about love, dating and relationships.  Majority of you out there has dated, been in a relationship and probably been in love as well.  Being in love is great, the euphoria is amazing and knowing that you always have someone by your side brings down the loneliness that life sometimes brings.  Sometimes love don’t last and the love that you do carry inside your heart gets broken, with this, a totally different type emotions evolve…mainly hatred.  Having hatred inside your heart will only cause you to do destructive things; maybe not toward the other individual but maybe against your own self.  Before this happens, try doing the “10 Ways to Lessen Heartache” approach, hopefully this helps and if you need further advice about love, dating, relationship or anything else, visit me at www.askkellyforadvice.com.

1.  Breathe: Of course with everything else in life, if life gives you any types of misfortune…breathe.  Step back, take a deep breath and start counting to 10, 100, 1000, it doesn’t matter how far you have to count in order to just relax.  If counting doesn’t help, imagine horses jumping over a fence, yourself in a secluded island…anything in order to bring down your hostility…heck, get a cucumber if you have to. When a person is in a relaxed state of mode, then your ability to think clearly heightens.  When a love is lost, thinking clearly will be a difficult task, but it is possible.  Your mind is already jumbled about the what, when, why and how. 
2. Avoidance:  I have heard this saying, “Confront your fears!” When it comes to losing love, that saying is a bunch of B.S.  When you try to confront the love you have lost, it will only bring more heartache and pain, so what is the point; your trying to heal, not to pick at the scab and make it worse.  Avoid your ex as much as possible; this does include the ex and everything that reminds you of him or her.  This does include everything; restaurants that you went together with, parks, music you use to listen to, part of town, friends…everything.  If you use to listen to heavy metal while you were with your ex, then start listening to rap or R & B.  Avoid the restaurants you use to go together with, your mind don’t need to wonder about, “I use to sit at that table with ? and we use to order that.” Avoid your “common” friends that you two shared, you really don’t need for them to tell you what your ex is doing or who they are dating, it can slip out. If they were really your friends, then they will understand why you are avoiding them and they will always be there, if not; who needs friends like that anyway.  Avoid everything that reminds you of your ex.
3. Lose: Yup, the word lose or get rid of.  As in any relationship, while dating, a person does save certain memorabilia, such as flowers in a Ziploc bag, pictures, a necklace or even a T-shirt with the scent of your ex.  I do understand that you don’t want to get rid of these things, but you’re going to have to, it will be therapeutic, it’s saying your final good-bye.  If you really don’t want to lose them, then pack it up in a box, give it to one of “your” friend to hold and tell them, “Under no circumstances, do not give them to me until I have healed!!!”  With technology as it is now, you can save your pictures on Photobucket or Flickr, but there is a problem with this as well…you still have access to them.  This is where your friend comes into play.  Tell your friend to change the password to your account as well as the email to those accounts so that you don’t have access to them.  Later on down the line, after the pain has lifted, ask your friend to change the password and the email that is associated with that account to yours.  In the meantime, create another account for your new happy memories to come.  Lose or getting rid of just does not apply to materialistic things, this does include your ex’s phone number, address…everything.  It’s called the “delete” button on your phone. If the number is in your memory, give it time, you will soon forget.  The address, don’t even swing by there or even come close to where your ex lives.  If you have a friend that lives by there, then take a different route or tell them to meet you somewhere.
4. Change your info:  Yup again, change your info.  Now since you have lost his info, it’s time for you to do the same.  In some relationships, moving might be a priority…heck, even if it’s not, move anyway.  If your circumstances don’t allow it, move your furniture around or buy some new curtains to uplift the place a bit. If your ex does have a key to your place, maybe it’s time to change the locks.  As well as your home, change your phone number and only give it to the friends that you trust.  You don’t need your ex to call you just for a booty call if the other booty call doesn’t work out.  Yes, guys are pigs in that sense, thereafter, dump you again and not care about how your heart feels…women are the same way too.  These as well include emails; create another account just for you.  Lose any and every way for the two of you to connect.  The more you two stay in touch, the longer the pain will linger. 
5. Friends: Friends are a great resource to heal when your heart is aching so bad that you just want to gouge it out of your chest.  They will give you encouraging words when you feel like the world is falling apart.  Try to have friends with you as much as possible, this includes at work and after work.  When you’re with your friends, your thoughts or memories lighten a bit.  Any time that you don’t think of your ex is always a good thing.  Tell your friends that your texts may increase a bit or the phone calls might be more frequent until you begin to heal, if they are your “real friends”, then they will understand.  There will be times when the loneliness will kick in, if it does, start calling your friends or text like hell.  Try not to text about your ex, a simple text as, “Hey, what you doing?” then getting a text back, “Nothing, what you doing?” is good enough to get your mind off of things for a short time.  Friends are also great when you want to go out and have a few drinks to relax.  This can be a good and bad thing.  Good because your mind is elsewhere, even temporarily, but bad because alcohol is a depressant and can bring your mood down and your memories come forward along with the depression.  This is where you have to evaluate yourself on your tolerance and your emotional state when it does come to alcohol.  Instead of going to a bar, go to a movie, bowling…heck, go to an amusement park, what is so much more better than adrenaline pumping through your veins to forget. 
6. Start dating:  Just like it says, start dating!!!  Just because your heart is crushed and in the process of repair doesn’t mean for you to stay home and drown in your miseries.  Don’t let your ex or the “hope” of thinking that you two will get back to together stop you from going out with someone else.  More than likely, what do you think your ex is probably doing right now…dating!!!  When you do start dating, just make sure that you don’t go to the same restaurants that you and your ex went to.  You’re out on date with your date, not with your ex, so don’t let the memories of your ex interfere with your date.  The whole point is for you to have fun, forget and to heal.  You never know, the person you went out with could be your next lover or your next future partner, but at least give her/him a chance and don’t block out the possibilities.  Try doing something with your date that your ex didn’t want to do but that you always wanted to…create more memories, but happy ones this time.  Miniature golf, Go-Karts, Bowling or just be goofy and go to Dave n’ Busters or some other family oriented place and act like a kid.  The date is starting off brand new, so be yourself instead of the tight ass that you were when you were dating your ex.  Just stay away from the bar scène if possible, as I have said, alcohol is a depressant and who wants to hear a drunk going on and on about their ex.  You don’t want to wake up the next morning with regrets, but if that’s your thing; go for it…but always make sure the male partner has a Jimmy. 
7. Appearance: Changing your appearance is always a bonus. Who doesn’t feel good about wearing a new pair of spiffs, having a new hair dew or even getting your nails done?  You first have to feel good about yourself before the process of healing can ever begin.  When the pain of love does strike, the depression stage sets in and the only thing that you want to do is lounge around, eat and not do a damn thing.  Your attitude sometimes goes in the direction of, “I don’t care”, persona.  Your mind is always on the memories of your ex…snap out of it.  Once you start changing your appearance, even with just a brand new shirt or blouse, you begin to feel a little better about yourself and your appearance.  It doesn’t matter how drastic you have to go, change is the key.  You have to change your inner thoughts before the memories can start fading.  If you walk around in brand new spiffs, your hair done, and nails all painted, your attitude will skyrocket because you will walk around in self confidence without your head staring at other people’s shoes.  Hold your head up high, walk in confidence and strut your stuff because you are the schizzle.
8. Gym: The Gym is a great way to let out all your frustrations and your anger.  If you’re not a member, then join.  I do understand that there is a lot of you out there that is self conscious about your body and will feel weird or awkward going to the gym, this is understandable, but at least try a one month membership that many of the gyms do offer.  Remember what I said above about changing your appearance, changing your body is also a bonus and you will feel exhilarated. I do recommend that you first start off slow, you don’t want your ex to feel happy because you over worked your heart and exterminated yourself.  Exercise has a way of changing your inner thoughts as well, especially when you start seeing results begin to form.  It does have a tendency to relieve all the frustrations, emotions and pain that you carry.  It’s a place where you can take out your hostility on weights, treadmill and aerobics.   Your pillow probably is already soaked with tears and abused from all the aggression within you, give your pillow a break and take it out on a pair of barbells. If the gym isn’t your thing, then do pushups, sit-ups, squats, or take up jogging from the comfort of your home. 
9. Cry: There is nothing wrong with crying (especially to all the guys out there).  Consider crying as a self treatment for yourself.  Think of crying as a drug, your mental state is in one direction, then afterwards…another.  Crying has the same effect, but without damaging your body.  Crying is way of releasing all the emotions that has been bottled up inside you. It releases all the tension, agony, grief and the sadness.  Your heart aches so bad that it feels as though somebody put a 500 pound weight anchored to the bottom of your heart and weighing it down slowly.  Have a good and long cry, then the 500 lbs will only feel like a 100.  I know that this is no comfort; I’m not saying all the weight will be lifted, but any amount of burden lifted from your heart is always a relief. 
10.  Spiritual: I really do hate to bring religion into this, but it does help to heal the pain that you carry.  Everybody does have a different religion and believe in certain entities, but majority of us out there does believe in one black book.  Accepting the Lord into your heart, asking him for his forgiveness and letting him heal the wounds that was caused will lighten the load off.  God is in no hurry, I can assure you, but he does have his time.  He already knows what’s going to happen to you and knows what’s best for you.  He is our father and don’t fathers know what is best for us and the correct time that is best? Doesn’t a father guide you in the right direction? But it is up to you to accept his direction or not.  Even with all your anger and hatred that you might carry right now, just don’t say F U God, it’s not his fault…consider it as a promotion.  A promotion to make you into a better person. 

Love, what can I say about it?  It is a great feeling and feeling loved makes you feel good.  When the love is lost, the pain enters into your life and the feeling associated with it is horrific. The bad thing about the pain after love is the lingering effect that it has.  The pain just sits there, waiting and floating above your head like a storm cloud hovering, waiting to strike at any vulnerable moment.  It just lingers there, not wanting to go anywhere until when you ignore it enough times, then it finally gives up and preys upon another poor soul.  The only way to get rid of the lingering effect is to get a big umbrella and constantly ignoring the presence of it.  I never said it would be easy. 

Don’t let the lingering effect give you false “hopes” in thinking that you two will ever get back together again and the relationship will be better than before.  Come back to this side of reality, but do it quick.  It won’t get better nor will it ever has the opportunity to get better.  Ask yourself, “Why did the relationship break up in the first place?”  If you two did get back together, do you honestly think that the problems will just vanish…No!  It will always be there, maybe not in the back of your mind, but in the back of your ex’s.  The problem will still exist and no matter how much you try to ignore it, it is still there nipping away at your brain.  If you ever did get back together, another form of pain still exists, that is the stinging and the annoying voice in the back or your mind. 

One of my friends from a long time ago once told me that it takes half the time to get over love.  For instance, if you have been dating for one year, it will take 6 months to completely get over the pain. If you have been together for a year and a half (18 months), it will take you 9 months to get over the pain.  Actually, I have felt the pain of lost love and saw it among many of my clients as well and I do have to admit, that theory is true. Now you know approximately how long it will take for you to get over the pain, more or less. 

Some of the 10 things that I mentioned above might seem a little harsh and a little extreme, but when your heart is in pain, being a little harsh might help.  Some people can take loosing love easier than others so you would have to evaluate the level of pain that you do carry from one to ten, ten being the most.  If the level of pain is a ten, then do all the 10 things above.  If it’s at a level one, just laugh at yourself because it wasn’t love, maybe you got it confused with lust. 

With the pain associated with love is like knowing that you’re going to die.  When we know that our time has come to an end, we go through the 5 stages of grief (written notably by Elisabeth Kubler Ross).  When our heart is in pain, we also go through the 5 stages of grief because a part of us has died.  The 5 stages of grief (also known as the 5 stages of dying) are:

1. Denial: We try to deny that it is over and keep on saying to ourselves, “We will get back together.” “This isn’t happening to me.”  Reality check, it did happen so deny it all you want.
2. Anger: This is where trying to relax comes in and trying to think clearly needs to come into focus.  “Why is this happening to me?” you keep on asking.  You might become in a destructive mood against yourself or the ex, just focus and don’t try to do anything stupid. 
3. Bargaining: This is where you pray, “Lord, if you get us back together, I will do this or do that…”  “I promise that I will be a better person if…”  First of all, as I have mentioned above, if you ever did get back together, there will be more doubts arising, so what’s the point. 
4. Depression: “I don’t care anymore!!!”  If a person was hurt by love so tremendously, then there is no doubt that you will go through severe depression.  There are number of signs and symptoms associated with depression, such as…1) Too little sleep or too much sleep, 2) Concentration is diminishing, 3) Feeling of helplessness, 4) Eat too little or eat too much, 5) Contemplating suicide, 6) Loss of interest in activities…among many others, but this is just the basics.  If you are or have ever contemplated suicide, seek help immediately.  The state of depression is not a joke and a life might be at stake so seek some help and maybe gets some anti-depressants.  Remember, you have always got your friends, co-workers, if all else fails, call the non-emergency line and just talk to a cop (even though I think all cops are pigs, but in this instance, I’ll make an exception). 
5. Acceptance: After all the crying, the depression slowly vanishing, you finally came to terms that the love has gone, you begin to accept the reality of what has happen and the healing process is just about complete.  Now you’re ready to live…

Thank you for taking the time to read all this, I bet you probably got a can of red bull in your hand by now to prevent you from falling asleep.  Everything that I have mentioned above is not from any books (except for the 5 stages of grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross and the signs of depression) are all from my own experience as well as all my clients experiences throughout their life.  I am in the process of writing a book called, “The bartenders guide to love and dating”, in which a lot of the stuff mentioned above is in.  I do own an Advice service via the internet called askkellyforadvice.com.  Some of the things mentioned do sound brutal, but that is what I do believe in, brutal honesty when I do give advice.  If I did offend anyone, I do apologize for that, but that was not my intention.  Please leave a comment on what you really thought of this, be brutally honest just as I am when I give Advice.  Thank you once again…….www.askkellyforadvice.com

UPDATE (9-29-09) First, my apologies to all the people out there with carrying the burden of lost love. I do know how you feel and the agonizing pain that is associated with it. I could remember a time when I felt like ripping my heart out of my chest just to ease the pain, even just for a moment.  You are tormenting your mind with the what, if and where.  You keep on saying to yourself, “If I only could talk to him/her just one more time, I know I can convince him/her that we belong together.” “I will stop doing this or stop doing that.”  At that moment in your life while your heart is being anchored down, your common sense approach is totally shot to hell!!!  You’re still in the state of “What if”, instead of “What Now?”  Your questions to yourself should be, “What do I do now?” “What do I do to move on by learning from this experience?”  Having love lost expectedly or unexpectedly can have a detrementing effect on a person’s mental state, emotions, physical well-being and personality.  At that moment, your mind is constantly on him or her and you can’t sustain your own self-worth.  The depression stage has rollercoaster moments and strikes at any time.  Your heart swells enormously with grief, despair, pain and agony that tears begin to form at the very bottom of your emotions.  You cry without hesitant, sometimes even when you thought you were at peace.   Your body yearns to shake everything loose, just to get rid of all the bad karma that you feel is around you.  The body starts to take a different form; it becomes leaner or more corpulent.  The skin underneath you eyes is even becoming heavier, compared to the heart.  Blackness halos around your eyes as little red spider webs start to form in the sclera.  Sleep is deprived; dreams are becoming more vivid as the sandman slowly starts to detach itself.  The brain has the habit of concentrating all of its energy toward that other individual that a daily task, such as brushing your teeth becomes a 200 lb workout.  The only thing that your mind wants to do is sit in idleness.  Yes, I know the feeling all too well.   She had my heart in her gripping hands, slowly applying pressure, squeezing and draining all the blood out of my heart until there was nothing left except for a few strands of muscle fiber.  The fibers that was left behind was barely enough for me to stand up once again. During that moment, the common sense was not close by, or even within sight.  As time accumulated, so did my happiness.  Reality Check; there is no easy way to get rid of the pain that you carry within.  I wish that I could wave my magic wand, sprinkle some ferry dust, say “abracadabra” and POOF, the pain is gone, but unfortunately, that is only in lala land.  Time is the only answer to heal all wounds but living in that time is the most agonizing experience.  I have seen websites, “10 ways to get your ex back”, that is a bucket of B.S.  Even If you two did get back together, there will always be the past to haunt you.  It will never be the same as it once was or is, another fantasy land.  You will always carry a part of that person with you no matter what and there will always be a part of you that will still love that person no matter how much time has elapsed.  I will give you this promise; there will be little less pain inside you with every day that passes.  Brutally; get over it before you let your hair turn into Don King.  I know your scouring the websites to find a formula to completely erase the pain, there is no formula or magic potions.  Time: and time can be a bitch because seconds goes by so slowly.  Love is a powerful too, it has the capability to make you fly and soar to an unbelievable height with the feeling of a 24 hour drunkenness, but then again, it has the capability to crush you with astronomical force to drain every breath out of your lungs to make you slowly gasp for air.  People often use love as a torturous weapon, using it to devour other people’s emotions by preying upon their weakness and their desire to love.  This is called life; sorry.  I wish there is something that I can say or do to ease the pain, but there isn’t.  You can try to look for that magic fairy dust, surf the net for that one magic cure or you can just grit your teeth, tighten your ass and slowly get over the pain. I never said it would be easy.  www.askkellyforadvice.com

Corruption of the Child Support system…

Today, while I was surfing CNN.com, as I normally do every day, I came across this story of a guy name Frank Hatley from Georgia  who just gotten released from jail, spending 13 months for failure to pay child support for a kid that was not his. WTF? This story stated that he proved that he was not the father of a kid back in the year 2000, but the Georgia child support division still wanted money, so they locked his ass away for failure to pay child support for a kid that was not his, in which he proved back in 2000 and he spent 13 months in jail until this community legal activist group came to the rescue. If it was not for this legal activist group, he would still be in jail and the state of Georgia would not give a damn until they got their money.  Georgia can go to hell for putting an innocent man to jail for a kid that was not his. 

I as well had the same problem, about 8 years ago, I did fall into some hard times myself and I took the responsibility to call the El Paso, TX child support services to inform them of my circumstances.  A “bitch” from the El Paso, TX child support main office name Sandra told me, “I don’t care about you. I don’t care about your damn kids. We only care about getting our damn money into this damn office!”

I will never forget what she said to me that day and it still rings in my ear as of this day, quote…end quote. 

I do believe in paying child support, only if the kid is yours or if the kid is yours through adoption. Either way, every parent should be responsible to pay his or her share in providing for their own child or children. I do have a problem when a parent that is paying child support but is unable to do so, especially in these economic downturn, and still faces jail time.  They should at least work with the parent to see if there is another payment method that can be accomplished.  The child support service does not care what or how the economy is, even if you don’t have a job but you are desperately seeking employment. Even if you are working, making minimum wage, paying the most you can, behind on your child support, they will still send you to jail, make you lose your job, your car and take away your privileges to see your kids. 

The child support system always put up commercials about how the father is important in a child’s life, but they don’t hesitate by putting the father in jail, saying that you can only see your child every two weeks between this and this time. The mothers sometimes uses the kids as a leverage, telling the child support bogus lies, then the protective services are called in then the privileges are taken away until the matter is resolved. When it is found out that the lie was bogus, the privileges are reinstated. Does anything happen to the mother for making false accusations and separating the bond between the father and the child, even momentarily…NO!

Yes, the child support system is needed, I do agree with that, but they don’t have a heart when children are involved, they should have a heart and care.  The child support system should be concerned about getting both the parents involved in the child’s life and be motivated by child’s well being as he or she turns into adulthood.  Instead, they are driven by greed, money and cash.  The more money that they collect, the more they look good for the books, so they don’t care about the “damn” family.  The child support is driven by money…nothing else. 

My frustration of the child support system is not through my own experience, except for the excerpt of what Sandra has told me, otherwise, everything else is through what I have seen from my friends, read in clippings and from the experience that my clients at the bar faces. 

The child support system is not perfect by no means or even close to it. It is sad though that their only determination is for money and not for the children or the parents.  They don’t give a F*** about the kids, parents or anything else, as long as the books shows money, woo hoo, then they act like they are the god send of children humanity.  I do have to admit that they do put up a good front on how much that they do care about children, with all the posters, commercials as well as all the other bullsh**, but it’s all fake; as fake as Enron.  If the child support service took control of Enron, then Enron would have never been guilty of corruption.  The child support service is hidden under the corruption of money.